There is visible sense of shock and dismay in Derby this morning, after at least seven people are believed to have contracted Islam after unwittingly eating Halal meat.
It is thought the first suspected patients were rushed to Royal Derby Hospital yesterday afternoon, after displaying early symptoms of extreme Islamification. Since then, a total of seven patients, including a young child and an elderly resident have been admitted overnight.
Environmental Officers are yet to announce the source of the outbreak, although a delicatessen in the city centre has been taped off by forensic experts. Government officials have been quick to quell any panic or backlash by far-right groups, with The Food Standards Agency (FSA) releasing this statement;
We would like to ensure the public that consumption of Halal meat poses very little threat to public health. When an animal is properly blessed and slaughtered, the meat is perfectly fit for human consumption. However, very rarely, the butcher may bless the animal with the wrong incantation, rendering the meat a threat to suggestible individuals, as we believe has been the case here.
FSA, January 2016
Local residents are being asked to be vigilant to early signs of conversion. Early symptoms can include; a strong need to orientate oneself in an Eastward direction, a loathing of swine-based foods and products, or frequently shouting ‘Allahu Akbar’ in a loud, menacing voice. Individuals demonstrating any of the aforementioned symptoms should be taken to the local hospital immediately, or alternatively, to a local church for purging.